


Let Me Breathe

by mattiebluebird (ScarlettBond)



Series: whumptober 2020 let's go bitches [2]
Category: unOrdinary (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Bullying, Canon Compliant, Gen, Major Original Character(s), Neopronouns, No.18: panic attacks | phobias | paranoia, No.30: wound reveal & ignoring an injury, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Original Character-centric, Phobias, Whump, Whumptober 2020, character study of sorts, no.18, no.30
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27094720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettBond/pseuds/mattiebluebird
Summary: Ashe was perfectly content to pretend zer entire life before Agwin High didn’t happen.(And if, sometimes, Ashe longed for the Before, for a time where every loud noise didn’t leave zer heart racing- well, that was no one else’s business.)But again: Ashe remembered. No matter how hard ze tried to forget, zeremembered.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Original Character & Original Character
Series: whumptober 2020 let's go bitches [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964341
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Let Me Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: This combines prompt #18 (‘Panic! At The Disco’: **Panic Attacks** | **Phobias** | **Paranoia** ) and #30 (‘Now Where’d That Come From?’: **Wound Reveal** | **Ignoring an Injury** | Internal Organ Injury) of Whumptober 2020.
> 
> Warnings for all the bolded things + bullying, canon-typical violence, and non-con drug use.

Anyone could tell just from looking at zem: Ashe was an anxious person. Ze had a habit of keeping zer head down, mouth shut, staying at the edges of hallways and conversations just in case someone decided ze wasn’t allowed to be there. Ze was always trembling just slightly from a combination of nerves and nerve damage (zer left hand in particular had never been the same after a particularly nasty fall).

Ashe looked, in a word, _weak_.

Ze remembered Before: a time where ze wasn’t so anxious and ashamed all of the time, where ze could walk with confidence and without fear of being stabbed in the back, a time where Ashe had ordered and others _obeyed_.

The problem was, ze didn’t _want_ to remember all that. Whatever or whoever ze was back then- that wasn’t zem _now_. Every time a memory managed to push its way through zer walls in the form of a nightmare or a flashback, it left zem shaking in guilt and anger and self-loathing and fear and the same harsh voice ze heard at every turn-

**_Those memories are false, probably just a dream, probably never even happened. Do you really think an apoired person like you could do any of that? You must be going crazy. You should be ashamed. If anyone knew, what do you think would happen to you?_ **

So yes, Ashe was perfectly content to pretend zer entire life before Agwin High didn’t happen.

(And if, sometimes, Ashe longed for the _Before_ , for a time where every loud noise didn’t leave zer heart racing- well, that was no one else’s business.)

But again: Ashe remembered. No matter how hard ze tried to forget, ze _remembered_.

* * *

Ashe was bleeding. Again.

Ze’d been attacked by a mid-tier who’d looked fairly regretful when she’d seen all the blood, leaving three diagonal slashes over zer right side. The cuts were hidden by zer vest for now (ze’d long ago learned the importance of layers and adding them over the course of the day to hide various injuries and torn clothing), but they were bleeding a surprising amount and Ashe was beginning to worry bandages weren’t enough.

 _There’s not enough time between classes to do stitches_ , ze thought, chewing on zer pencil. _Will it be okay until the end of the day? And if not, can I make up an excuse to go home?_

**_Wow, skipping class already? It’s not even noon yet._ **

_It’s not like that! I’m hurt, this could be serious-_

**_You’ve been through worse. Now you’re just making up excuses._ **

Ashe _had_ been through worse (a lot worse, a whole fuck of a lot worse), but…

Ze was too tired to follow that train of thought.

 _There is another option_ , a voice whispered in zer head. _One where you’re healed by the end of the day._

The voice was referring, of course, to Doctor Fieldswell, the school nurse who was skilled at making tonics that healed a myriad of health issues.

 _Not an option_ , Ashe thought immediately. _I would rather bleed to death_. Ze thought of lab coats and handcuffs and needles and white walls and h-

( ** _Coward._** )

The pencil snapped between zer teeth.

* * *

During lunch, Ashe ducked into a bathroom stall (ze’d learned long ago not to use the bathroom mirrors for fear of someone walking in on zem) to clean and re-bandage zer wounds. The scratches started out shallow but deepened as they neared zer stomach, and the bandages on that area were completely bled through. Not enough to be life-threatening, but enough to be worrying.

The bathroom door opened. Ashe tensed, waiting with bated breath as footsteps drew near…

“Ashe?”

Ze let out a sigh of relief. It was just Desta. “You shouldn't be in here,” ze half-joked. “You’re a boy.”

“Not as far as the school’s concerned,” Desta said. “And by that logic, you shouldn’t be in here either.”

 _Can't argue with that logic_ , Ashe thought. “What do you want?” Ze asked.

“Are you hurt?”

Ashe’s stomach dropped. _How does he know? Was I walking weird? Touching my side too often? Did anyone else see?_

“Ashe?”

“I’m fine,” ze lied, hurriedly shoving zer supplies into zer backpack.

“... _Sure_ ,” Desta said, voice laced with enough sarcasm to kill a herd of elephants, and Ashe remembered: _Oh, right. Desta is a low-tier. He’s done this a lot._

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” Ashe tried instead.

“Are you sure?”

Ashe wanted to say: _No, I’m really not. I’ve lost a lot of blood and I’m dizzy and tired and I think I need stitches but I don’t want to go to the doctor because I’m afraid. Also, I could use a hug._

But Ashe knew ze could never say that- not to Desta, maybe not to anyone. In the world of low-tiers, there was no such thing as friends. And no matter how… _helpful_ Desta could be, Ashe couldn’t afford to forget that.

( _Look what happened the last time ze did._ )

“I’m sure, Dad,” Ashe said sarcastically, opening the stall door. Ze pretended not to notice Desta’s scrutinizing look. “Let’s go get something to eat.”

* * *

Ashe, by some miracle, made it to the end of the day without fainting. Ze made a beeline for the classroom door, raced out the school, up a wall (window ledges made good handholds), and disappeared into the crowd outside the nearby stores.

Then Ashe sat outside their cafe and waited for Desta. Ze waited, and waited, and waited, and just when ze was starting to worry-

“Sorry I’m late,” Desta said, just like he did every day (even though he _couldn’t_ be late, technically, because Ashe always got there the fastest and they didn’t have a set time). “I got something for you.” He opened his backpack to reveal at least four bottles of brightly colored liquid. “They’re healing tonics,” he said. “Dr. Fieldswell organizes them by weight, sex, and type-slash-severity of injury, so I grabbed the tonics for ‘deep laceration’, ‘blood loss’, and ‘2nd degree burn’ that looked closest to your body type.”

Ashe looked at the bottles, then at Desta -the glasses-wearing, law-abiding model student- then back at the bottles, and said, “Did you _steal_ these?”

“Technically, yes,” he said. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Ashe instantly went from shocked to annoyed. “Oh, so you can steal healing tonics, but I suggest a _little_ blackmail and suddenly you’re a cop?”

“Those are two entirely different things.”

“How so?”

Desta gave zem an odd look.“They just _are_.”

“Hmm. Sounds like something a cop would say.”

“Oh my god,” he shoved the backpack into zer arms. “Just take them.”

“Really, this isn’t necesar-”

He cut zem off. “You’re a horrible liar.”

Ashe’s fingers twitched. _If you take it, you’ll owe him_ , a part of zem whispered. _And if you owe him-_

Another, much lourder part said: _Just take it_. _He already stole it, he’s offering it, you need it, so take it!_

Ashe swallowed and then took the tonics labeled ‘deep laceration’ and ‘<15% blood loss’. “Thanks,” ze said.

“You’re welcome.” Desta sighed and plopped down onto the bench beside zem.

There was a tense moment of silence. Ashe felt zer flesh knotting together and a rush of energy as zer red blood cell production increased.

( _A tonic is forced down zer throat and Ashe can_ feel _zer energy being replenished-_ )

Ashe looked down to see that zer hand was shaking just enough to be noticeable only if you were looking for it. Ze took a deep breath, then another, trying to calm down before Desta noticed.

“Ashe?” His voice made zem jump.

“Yeah?”

“You know Doctor Fieldswell is nice, right? She’s not like-” Desta waved a hand. “ _That_.” ‘That’ being an elitist piece of shit who looked down her nose at low-tiers.

“It- it’s not-” Ashe shook zer head. “It’s not _about that_.”

“Then what _is_ it about?”

 _(A tonic is forced down zer throat and Ashe can_ feel _zer energy being replenished._

_“How soon until she can go again?” Keon asks._

_“A few minutes, maybe ten,” someone answers and Ashe sees the white (white, always white) coat from the corner of zer eye._ )

Ashe bites zer tongue _hard_. The pain makes it easier to focus, easier to act like nothing is wrong even though zer lungs are squeezing and zer heartbeat is racing and zer hands are shaking harder and harder.

“None of your fucking business,” Ashe snapped, practically throwing the backpack into Desta’s lap. _I have to go_ , ze thought. _I can’t freak out here, in public, in front of him_.

Ze stormed off.

* * *

Sometimes -very, _very_ rarely, when no one was around- Ashe closed zer eyes, tried to block out that voice that told zem to hate zemself, and just… remembered.

Sometimes, it worked. Not for long -never for long- but it worked.

_“Let her go.”_

_The high-tier froze in place, hand still wrapped around the low-tier’s throat. “And why would I do that?”_

_“It’d be a shame if anyone found out about your, uh…_ side business _. Or the fact that you’ve been forcing Michelle here,” ze nodded to the low-tier still pinned against the wall, “To do most of your school work for the past year. Or-”_

_“This isn’t your problem!” The high-tier shouted. “Why do you care?”_

_“It is my problem,” ze said calmly. “And I care because you shouldn’t be allowed to beat people up whenever you feel like it. You can pay Michelle for her work like the rest of us.”_

_The high-tier honest-to-god_ growled. _“What makes you think you can talk to me like that?”_

_“Oh, I don’t know,” Ashe said. “Maybe the fact that your ability is useless against Michael’s?”_

_ The high-tier blanched, and Ashe knew he was done. Everyone knew Michael was zer bodyguard, and  _ no one _ wanted to fight him. _

**_So even then you were a manipulative coward. Well done. I bet you’re so proud._ **

Like ze said: it never worked for long.


End file.
